View from the choir

I am a Catholic layperson and Secular Franciscan with a sense of humor. After years in the back pew watching, I have moved into the choir. It's nice to see faces instead of the backs of heads. But I still maintain God has a sense of humor - and that we are created in God's image.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

A nightmare - a gift?

I awoke shortly after 3 this morning.

I'd had a weirdly detailed nightmare.

I dreamed that as I was driving to school I felt strange, disoriented. I got to school, and the students arrived. Class was about to begin.

And I realized I couldn't talk.

It hit me that I was having a stroke.

I wrote on the board for the kids to get one of the other teachers. I wrote him a note asking him to call an ambulance and what I feared was happening.

I wrote a couple of assignments on the board for my classes to do.

And I wondered if I would ever be able to speak again.

I thought about the fact that I might have to give up teaching in a regular school. I thought about not being able to sing at church or with Rock of Faith. I thought about not being able to lector. I thought about trying to learn to talk again.

I wondered if I could even play guitar any more.

But I knew I could still write, and that was a comfort.

In the dream I wasn't afraid. I wasn't panicked. It was just realizing that my entire life was about to change.

I lay in bed trying to get back to sleep. I tossed and turned until I heard the Sunday paper being delivered. I got up, and read it.

I tried not to make any noise - I didn't want to wake my wife.

But I also realized that I was not saying anything.

Like in the nightmare.

It was just a dream. But given what's happened in my family over the years, given what happened to my dad, a possible reality.

As I sat there I thought about taking better care of myself - just in case. Losing weight. Exercising more. (Who am I kidding: STARTING to exercise!) Watching my diet.

Then I felt grateful that I can still speak. That I can sing. That I can write.

I even felt grateful that in the nightmare I could still write.

And knowing that like so much else in life, it could all be gone in a flash.

Strange dream.

I wonder if like so many dreams in the Bible it's a warning?

A gift rather than a nightmare?


Blogger Barb, sfo said...

Wow--talk about a "wake-up call."

If it leads you to take better care of yourself, then that's great. Remember that Francis told his followers NOT to follow the example he set in terms of how he treated his physical body.

Wishing you good health for many years to come!

1:35 PM  

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