View from the choir

I am a Catholic layperson and Secular Franciscan with a sense of humor. After years in the back pew watching, I have moved into the choir. It's nice to see faces instead of the backs of heads. But I still maintain God has a sense of humor - and that we are created in God's image.

Friday, September 30, 2005

The real pain

A little twist.

Mom is clinging to life. She lapses in and out of lucidity – depending how much medication she is on.

Last night my wife and I visited her.

Mom grew quite agitated.

She kept writing about the will, asking us to shred it or burn it. She asked me to tell my father to contact their lawyer. She was also upset about her IRA and wanted something changed there.

(Remember, she is deaf, and has a tube down her throat, so all communication is in writing. And with her condition, her messages are often garbled.)

Then she added that she had been mad at me.

Ah. It made sense.

I guessed that in a moment of anger at me – a nearly constant state for the last 25 years for a wide variety of infractions (real and imagined) – she had written me out of the will and dropped me as the beneficiary of some or all of her investments. She had probably gotten dad to go along.

Sort of her way to slap me one final time even after death.

As we drove back home (she’s in a facility more than an hour away), I thought about this possibility.

I wouldn’t be surprised if she did do this.

This is a woman who one Christmas drove all the way to our house when we’d invited them for Christmas celebrations with us, then refused to get out of the car. She had my father carry the gifts for my wife, the girls, and me to the door, hand the gifts to me, then get back in the car and drive off. All because she was mad at me about something.

Merry Christmas.

So today I called dad. He asked me to come over to the home where he is.

Sure enough, I had been written out of the will.

I told him I had long suspected she would do something like that, so I had never expected anything anyway.

So it goes.

I’ll still make the drive back to the facility tomorrow.

I’ll smile, and kiss her.

If it gives her some peace, that’s okay by me.

After all, she's the one who's really being hurt in all this.


Blogger ShadowMayhem said...

Wow, I really don't know what to say to all that...

I pray that you can find some peace in all of this.

10:47 PM  
Blogger LAmom said...


I think I would try to arrange to let her write something on a piece of paper that would indicate the changes she wants to make to her will, regardless of whether it would really hold up in court. If she felt like she had rectified things, it would probably bring her some comfort.

3:11 AM  
Blogger Julie D. said...

And she's obviously sorry or she wouldn't be going to such lengths to make sure you understood that the will should be destroyed and the conditions under which she made it.

I'm praying for all of you.

3:00 PM  
Blogger Nancy C. Brown said...

Oh my goodness, how sad. And you are right, she is the one suffering because of what she did, but at least she is remorseful and wants to change it before she dies, at least you know that before she goes.
It's funny how all the past hurts, things we've spent so much time and energy refusing to forgive, or just plain being angry at, can melt away when we know the end is near. There must be a sense in her that she is about to be judged.
I pray that this will work out well, and there can be reconciliation in your family.
God bless you all.

9:18 PM  
Blogger ~m2~ said...

Lee, I agree with Julie. I am sorry you are going through this, as well, but will keep you in my prayers.


7:46 AM  
Blogger CafeCath said...

Peace be with you and your family.

4:16 PM  
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